I bought a painting //for onetwentyfive dollars //and three adderalls— @hailhipster
Guess what I discovered? Hungry artists will sometimes sell their tossed-off art for snacks. Especially when they’ve been drinking!
So, Behold! I present “Assmonger,” a work by three up-and-coming Brooklyn cartoonists:
"Assmonger" (pencil, notebook paper)
Cost? A plate of delicious tater tots.
Awhile back I had the opportunity to share beverages with Tim Kreider, Bushwick resident Karl Stevens and ‘Wick expat Roxanne Palmer. All three are exceptional cartoonists, and smart, creative folk in general*.
At one point during the evening, the conversation turned to one of Roxanne’s previous occupations, that of fishmonger. Yes, she was actually a monger of fish. This curious fact raised a number of questions within the group.
Why, for example, is the term “monger” used only to describe a handful of jobs? Fishmonger, ironmonger, gossipmonger and whoremonger all come to mind, but that’s about it. We have no carmongers nor artisanal cupcakemongers.
Also, why do we use the term whoremonger to describe someone who employs the services of a prostitute, rather than someone who manages prostitutes (a “pimp” or “madam” in current argot), as the “monger” would imply? Wouldn’t the word “assmonger” be more accurate than “whoremonger” for the paid-derriere crowd?
The convo then turned, non-sequiturially, to the topic of drawing with one’s non-dominant hand. As they talked, Karl offhandedly doodled on a piece of notebook paper, using the hand with which he doesn’t usually draw. He then slid the paper to Roxanne, who toiled likewise for awhile, before passing the paper to Tim, who also took out a pen and went lefty. The paper went back and forth several times, as the doodlers’ expressed increasing dismay at the shaky product of their alternate hand work**.
Somehow, the three of them landed on the idea of drawing an “assmonger” in this fashion. But doublebacking over the skewed meaning of the word whoremonger, they decided that their assmonger should actually be a fish in a stall selling ass.
Like a fishmonger, an assmonger would sell a variety of ass (not asses; you don’t say you’re going to the store to buy “fishes” after all). There would be some candy ass, tight ass or Bubble Butt to enjoy. The assmonger should also sell related items, for what fishmonger doesn’t also carry some seasoning for the wares? So those “soft and smooth” containers, behind the assmonger, are jars of oil to slather over the purchased buttocks.
After they had more of less finished working on the drawing, the question arose as to what should be done with artifact. Should it be made public? If so, who should post it, and how would it be explained? It was not the best work for any of them, by a long shot. Still, with bright artistic prospects ahead of each of these three, this drawing shouldn’t be lost to the dunghill of obscurity.
So, curling my mustachio, I jumped in with an offer no mildy tipsy and somewhat hungry artist could refuse to consider. I’d buy “Assmonger” from them all, for an order of tater tots (The place we were at had especially good tots). Spoils they could share! All equal like! They eagerly agreed, insomuch as cartoonists could be collectively eager for anything.
So, remember collectors, the next addition to your collection may be just a tasty treat away!
*Tim just published a book of essays (along with cartoons!), entitled We Learn Nothing, and Roxanne is an accomplished science journalist. Applying her awesome knowledge, she evoked Einstein’s Theory of General Relativity just to explain to my dumb ass why hippies won’t fall off of the end of a moving trampoline.
**In particular, Tim, who takes a great and justified pride of the hind-ends he has portrayed, was distraught over the idea of someone assuming that these posteriors were the finest he could render.
