Hey everyone, it’s March! Are you ready for this? Shamrock Shakes, March Madness (I have no idea what that is), St. Patrick’s and oh yeah, more Hoodwitch Horrorscopes from yours truly. Sorry, for the delay guys — somehow me knowing that February has only 28 days didn’t connect with the fact that March 1st is immediately after that. I blame Mercury being in retrograde personally (OOH SCARY!). I highly encourage you all to do the same, as Mercury will not be direct until the 17th, and as always whenever it’s in retrograde there’s more of a likelihood to fall through the cracks. But enough about that, check out these Horrorscopes.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
Hey Aries, this month you’re gonna have to take the kid gloves off and get ready for a fight. No, not that kind of fight. This month, you’ll be in a brawl against inactivity and stagnation. You’ve made some headway the last couple of months, now is not the time to let complacency set in. Idleness leads to carelessness, and, as you may know, accidents. So while you’re barreling through March, remember to duck, and to watch your head. There’s a reason why most of your injuries occur around your head and face. A helmet wouldn’t be out of the question, just sayin’.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
All of those issues that were raised last month? You know, finances, sex, love, relationships, FEELINGS, in general. Well they’re still gonna be in action this month, at least until the middle of the month (remember, my earlier note about Mercury being in retrograde). On the upside, this is a gonna be a great month for you, Taurus, to meet new people. You’ll be surprised by the outcome. Not only will you have new friendships enriching your life, you’ll be able to receive help sometimes without even asking, which is a great feeling on its own. And on that note, the only thing you really have to worry about are impulse buys and spending more than what you have.
Lazy Lover Gemini
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Relationships are still going to be your top priority this month, no surprise there. Getting closer to that special someone will be in the forefront of your brain, which is great, but Gemini, I’m gonna give you some tough talk. While you may want to be surrounded by love, you are kind of a lazy lover. You want your significant other to do all the work: come to you and meet your lofty expectations before you’re able to love them. But maybe you should try meeting them halfway. It’s important that you consider the needs of people around you, and stop being so selfish. You may hurt those around you, without even knowing it, or, worse yet, intentionally. Tough love, right? Don’t worry, Gemini, this month is going to be super frantic and now you’ve got a bunch of thoughts bubbling in your brain but you’re going to have the energy and the wherewithal to handle them. You might want to lay off those energy drinks though.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Things are going to be getting serious this month, Crabby Patty. While you may find yourself wanting to indulge in flippant pursuits, this is not the month for that. Rather, take this time to broaden your horizons in scientific and cultural interests, whether it be cooking, coding or star-gazing. Brooklyn Brainery might be a good place to start. Having an additional skill-set or a new lease on life from developing a new found passion might lead to greater opportunities, such as a new job. While you’re doing this, remember to stay from pollutants. Maybe buy a candle. I hear Catbird is pretty sick. Diptyque is my jam though.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
Lovely Leo, this first part of this month is going to be less stressful than the month before. This might be a good time to update your resume, work on your reels, take some bubble baths, do some navel-gazing (but not too much). I can’t help but think of the axiom, “still waters run deep” during the duration of March for you, Leo. To outsiders, things may appear completely normal on the surface, but underneath, things are, for lack of a better term, crazy. You’re probably going to experience all of your feelings, worries, and insecurities bubbling under the surface. It’s important to not let yourself get too introspective, however. Going for a run, or heading to the gym might clear your head, although I wouldn’t sweat it. You’re in great shape this month. If anything you might need a little sleep and some vitamins. Try to stay positive, and keep your head above water.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)
This month, Virgo you’re going to be preoccupied with relationships — professional relationships. Your skills with working within teams, and with other people in general, is going to be stressed during the month. This is not the month to go solo, Virgo, as much as you would like to. Be prepared for all of the pitfalls associated with working with people who are not you, i.e. people changing their minds, changing direction or backing out entirely. You may find yourself unable to focus (that’ll be Mercury in retrograde again, you’re welcome). Just keep in mind that your ability to maintain and find balance this month relies entirely on your mental acuity and physical discipline.
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)
Hey Libra, this month you’re going to be too busy to be concerned with relationships, or at least for the first half of the month. This is probably a good thing, as there’s going to be some weird and volatile shit heading your way. Expect fireworks. I’m not kidding. Fights? Flings? A possible breakup? All of these explosions are distinct possibilities for you during March. So to rectify that, try working with your partner or significant other towards accomplishing your aims. This work is going to have a lot of stress associated with it, but there is hope. And you’ll be able to see the finish line soon enough. Be careful, though — watch out how this may affect your health. If you see something, don’t say something, go to the doctor immediately.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Heyyy Scorpio, I bet you’re feeling pretty romantic this month? No? Well you will be. You’ve got Neptune swirling up in your business this month, and while Neptune’s a romantic planet, it’s also kind of impractical. You’re gonna find yourself falling in love pretty easily in March. This could mean the starting a new relationship, rebooting a pre-existing one, or maybe applying some labels to a current one that you weren’t comfortable with until now. On the work front you’re going to find yourself inundated with deadlines, and overcome with obstacles. Keep your head on straight, and actively pursue what it is that you want. Personal initiative will not only be welcome, it’s going to be rewarded.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
This month you’re going to find yourself thinking about expanding your assets, whether it be a home, land, a car, maybe a food cart. If you get a food cart, Swagittarius, please let me know. I will be the first in line; I’m serious. Moving on, you might find yourself in a place where you’re receptive to both love and relationships. This is good. You’re going to need a lot of love and affection this month, and if you happen to fall in love this month and find someone to share it with, all the better. Exploring the world you’re in with someone at your side makes it all that much sweeter. Expect the second half of your month to be pretty powerful. There are significant events on the horizon.
Stay Stubborn, Capricorn
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
March is going to be a month of action for you, Cap. You’ll be forced to make decisions, take initiative and continue working on plans that you’ve already set in action. You may not say the right words, or evaluate things correctly, but simply working towards a goal is worth recognition in itself. You’re going to find yourself consumed by problems with family and friends. You’ll find yourself assailed by bouts of instability but you’ll find the strength to scale those barricades that are in front of you. I mean, you’re a goat. And like a goat, you’re stubborn and single-minded. “Can’t” isn’t in your vocabulary. Good. However, be mindful enough to not overload yourself by tackling more than you can handle.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Waterbearer, you’ll be approaching March with more of a pragmatic stance than a romantic one, you dreamy little space cadet. In fact, finances are going to be at the forefront of your mind. As a result, dealings with funds are going to be tense and you’ll find yourself irritable, at least until the middle to month. Things to be aware of: be careful with what you say, and what statements you make to coworkers, and how you contradict them. As always, it’s better to be forewarned and forearmed.
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
Aw, Pisces. My little fish friend, March is looking GOOD for you. Already one of the more charismatic members of the Zodiac, you’re going to find yourself feeling supercharged, radiating strength and self-confidence, and as a result, you’ll be attracting attention to yourself and spell-binding those caught in your net. Your greatest challenge, and possible payoff, this month is finding the opportunity to shine, and to display everything that you can bring to the game, and what you’ve got up your sleeve. I’ve got complete confidence in you, and see a trip in your immediate future where you’ll be able to put this to the test. So yeah, good month for you. Use the extra downtime when you’re resting on your laurels to start thinking about ways to relax and unwind.
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(Once a lunar cycle or so, Bushwick’s own Jessie Peterson extracts from the heavens priceless portents to guide you, Dear Reader, safely through the precarities of urban living. Check back in a month for the next installment…)
