(Once a lunar cycle or so, “Hoodwitch Horrorscopes,” divined by Bushwick’s own Jessie Peterson, extracts from the heavens priceless portents to guide you, Dear Reader, safely through the precarities of urban living…)
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
Your love life’s been kind of rough this month no matter how hard you’ve been trying. We can feel your heartbreak, Aries. Don’t worry though, around the middle of the month, you should should get a break, or at the very least a good roll in the hay. On the flip side though, your career game is tight and will remain so until the end of this month — take this time to nurture your ambition and your capacity to achieve. You might get some unexpected money out of this, or at the very least that raise you so richly deserve.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
Summer barbecues, Thanksgiving dinner, and now an entire month dedicated to indulging in seasonal sweets? I know your sweet tooth is tingling, Taurus, but exercise some restraint by channeling that hunger into exploring new exotic, cultural horizons — whether it be a trip, a series of plays or the new Cuban place that opened up on Wilson Avenue. Oh what the hell, grab that extra cookie while you’re noshing on that Cubano. I won’t tell. We’ll start the diet in the new year, won’t we?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Chatty Gemini, this month’s task is to focus on open communication with your partner. You’re gonna have to acknowledge your partner’s emotional needs and concerns, in relation to yours. Try to take solace in friends who might be able to offer some perspective, perhaps while shopping for new reading material or during game night. On the career front, work is gonna be in flux. You’re also going to have to practice some extreme patience to deal with the lack of progress.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
While it’s true that it’s getting colder outside, Cancer, try to resist your natural urge to hibernate in your cozy little home, and instead venture out to a nearby bar with a fireplace. Or if you can’t find one, a few hot toddies should be enough to stoke the fire within and encourage you to do something you normally wouldn’t, like ask that cute bartender out or find someone who’s willing to join your knitting circle. Nothing says love like a knit beer cozy, by the way.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
Lovecrazed Leo, you’re going to find the need to flirt running a little stronger this month. Dynamic December is going to dominated by a lot of action (hey-o) and stress, but don’t worry there’s going to be a deus ex machina where you’re going to be at the right time and place. What happens now, I’ll never tell. XOXO, Gossip Girl.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)
Fussy Libra, this month is going to be tumultuous, but trust me you’re going to love it. Overcome December’s bouts of indecision and instability by embarking your competitive side whether in love, at work or at the gym because you’re going to kick ass at it. If ever there was a month to achieve, then this is it.
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)
Ever-balanced Libra, there’s going to be a disruption this month in your life and a tendency for things to swing towards the disorderly. Try to combat that with discipline and better organization. Spring cleaning is around the corner after all. A more fulfilling and pleasant path, however, might be working on the balance in your sexual life away from prejudice and conformity. Why not ask Santa for a sex swing this month? Complete balance is overrated anyway.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Feeling restless, or having the sudden urge to start something new? This month is about starting new projects and efficiency. Don’t rush thorough them however, and be mindful of burning that midnight oil. Over-exertion is something to be wary of this month. As tough as you think you are, you’re not as immune as you used to be. This might be the month to invest in a decent sleep schedule and start-thinking about multivitamins. You’ll be the most successful if you take care of yourself for these new projects. Scorpions need sleep too!
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Had some reservations about starting a relationship, or a series of misunderstanding with your boo? Well, you’re in luck. It appears that things are about to clear up. Draw back your bows, Sags, and take an aim at a winter romance this December. However, be sure to guard your finances towards the middle of the month. A friend in need is sometimes a friend in greed, and if you go along with their schemes, you might find yourself out in the cold.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
This social season can be draining for classically reserved Caps. Try not to pout your way through too many get-togethers or you may run the danger of offending someone without meaning to. Keep your head in the game by listening to Lil Weezy but be sure to mix in some Wiz Kalifa, and you might find yourself finding a nice bonus at work. Wouldn’t that be a nice birthday present?
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
That project you’ve been working on that’s been in a stalemate? You’re in luck Aquarius, it looks like that it’s finally being reconfigured and adjusted. However, success is going to rely on your ability to cooperate and work within a group, something that might not come naturally to you, Water-bearer, as you do have a tendency to march to the beat of your own drum. Finances are going to be settled too, just in time for the holidays. Be sure to treat yourself to something nice, since you’re doing so well.
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
Congratulations dreamy Pisces, you’re entering December on a positive note, and it appears that things are going to continue on-trend. December appears to be chock full of moments with your significant other, and if you don’t have a regular squeeze, chances are you will with just enough time to hold hands with while you watch the end of the world on your rooftop.
